Cathartic Moment
I cried this morning for the first time for my own personal hurt in a long time.
A little over 6 years ago we lost The Eldest. I think that may very well have been the first time I truly cried from pain that was out of my control. At least since I’ve been married to The Hub since 1996. It was a lingering depression where I worked myself 60-80 hours a week, came home, fell into my PJs, and got up the next day to do it all over again until I was less than 100 pounds.
*I think I cried the most when he responded to his special song. That I will never take for granted! I sang it to him on Sunday!
*actually I was in shock that I only pushed 4 times. It was very anti-climatic. I practically sneezed and he fell out.
I cried when The Elder had jaundice and it wasn’t going away even with the bili-lights. I know now that it wasn’t life threatening but when you have no sleep, no experience with children EVER, a mini home tanning bed, and a cold screaming baby with a mask strapped to his head* – I probably blew things out of proportion a bit. I think of how minuscule that issue was compared to many newborns, especially the moms of newborns I’ve met since blogging, who had much greater issues that I could even imagine. I totally took my baby’s health for granted.*
I cried when The Younger was born* I cried because I realized what a blessing he was. I’m finding more everyday why God put him in our lives. The Hub and I had been married for 7 years before The Elder was born. The Younger was a bit of a surprise and boy is he full of surprises! And has served so many purposes in our family development.
I cried when The Elder did his first 180 degrees and went from the “perfect” child to the “defiant biter” overnight it seemed. I cried to see his friends one by one, stop coming to play-dates, stop inviting him to birthday parties, and one by one be excused from preschools.
I cried when I missed goals when I felt like I did my best and still missed the goal (which honestly have been few where I gave it 110%).
I cried when ASD entered our lives. I felt clueless and helpless.
All of the above was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. All of that was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. Today, I cried because I made a decision that was completely under my own power. And it hurt like crazy. Not The Kiddos, Not The Hub, Not any part of my extended family, work, etc. It was a personal issue that dealt with MY confidence, MY self-esteem, and MY bravery.
* I did have a few athlete friends, but they were all guys. They’d kill me if I didn’t include them here! I have made choices all my life about which crowd I hung out with. I tended to have popular friends because I was a cheerleader, but actually hung out with the other 97% of the students at my school. The same story with college. People knew who I was because they stared at me at football games and basketball games because I was the one tossed in the air, waiting to see if I would land or if I would fall, but I was friends with the “nerds” and sat at the “F.L.A.G.” table.**There are lots of tests online. Even free ones if you are curious what your profile is. I give this assessment full credit for helping me love people more.I always wanted to hang out with the “popular” crowd but it never felt right, I didn’t belong, I didn’t feel genuine. Often they mistook that as being snobby and didn’t attempt to be my friend, judged me, and shunned me. I never really let it bother me. I’m not sure why, being that I’m the personality that craves social approval (according to my DiSC profile).*Maybe because I was socially accepted by the people I did hang out with.
Today, I cried because of a conscious decision to let go of “friends” that were in the popular crowd at this stage in my life. This was a hard decision. I had to have a mourning period. But I have many friends that accept me and know me, the real me, who don’t judge me when I’m goofy, who respect me when I talk business, who love me for traits I didn’t know I even had! They are my popular crowd because I love them too. I care about them whether I have social approval or not. I don’t need the other crowd.
I think with a child with specials needs, I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence.I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence. It helps me to be more confident, more forgiving, and more likely to attract the kind of friends that are true friends. I took a moment today to make a list of people that have impacted my life for the better, many who are bloggers that I have never met. Many I don’t even know their real names or what they look like. And a few are right here in my city. I thank God for them.
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{{hugs}} to you Jen. Knowing when to cut loose is a good thing – but it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Thanks for the hugs, my wonder twin friend!
Another great post. I’m always here if you need me… I know that you know that, but sometimes it is nice to be reminded. Reading this, I am reminded of my childhood/teenage friends. You know as well as any that my best friends were the ones less socially accepted.
What I have learned now is to hold on to the friends that are truly yours. no matter of popularity or social status. The ones who “get you,” and are there for you when you truly need it, are your true friends. Notice I didn’t include other characteristics…. I sincerely believe that everyone needs a friend or 2 that sees some things differently… to help open my eyes to other points of view, or simply to confirm my own.
Another thing I have learned is to recognize that there are different levels of friendship and to accept my friends at those levels. I cannot make them to be more than what they are.
Wow, what a smart comment. Not that I didn’t think you had it in you, but it is nice to see us still on that track of sisterly-brotherly friendship. It would suck for you to always be wrong, so I’m glad we think alike.
uh, wow…. not sure how to take that….
however, I would like to point out that ALL of my comments are smart… usually smart-alecky, but smart nonetheless.
What a tough decision. We recently lost some friends who we thought would be around forever and it is painful no matter what the reason is. Thanks for sharing so much of your heart.
Thanks Trish. I think because this blog was dedicated to The Boys (all three of them) I forget to blog about me. I never realize how great it feels to get it off my chest out in cyberspace, and then to have support via comments just makes it even more worth keeping my book closed.
A difficult journey that unfortunately many of us have travelled along. I’m sorry we are both going through this Asperger’s world but I’m glad we can do it together and lean on one another when times get tough (ok tougher than the every day normal but I’m here no matter what!). You are an inspiration to me. I hope your friends will soon realize what a treasure they have lost.
Tammy! I wish we had gotten to know each other sooner to lean on one another then too, and not to just swap gfcf recipes (The animal cookies are kinickkinnick). I’m so excited about having someone to call and I love it when you call me (so don’t ever think that you’re bugging me)! There are still a few friends in that “crowd” that I will miss, but I’ll just have to make an effort to keep in touch with them. But with friends like you, maybe I won’t miss them as much!
I made that list… right???
The nerd list or the FLAG list?