about Mimicking: Youngerese is starting to sound a little familiar
‘Mommy, if you want to put butter all over the sides of my bread, you may.’
‘You can’t do — AND —. You have to choose.’ Then in same oh-well tone as me, he adds, ‘Ok, then. It’s your choice.’
‘MOM! I washed my hands with soap!’ he announces when leaving the bathroom.
–The Younger (age 4)
Ever notice how your kids start picking up your mannerisms and catch phrases (and rules)?
Because The Elder didn’t converse at age 4, he never really mimicked me. The Younger was a different story. He was carrying on conversations with people (with a valid picture ID) by age 3, as well as the walls.
I am constantly reminded of the differences between the two because of the juxtaposition of their development within the confines of our family. It’s both fascinating and frustrating.
It’s fascinating to see their development and how I can respect each milestone (and each inchstone) they reach with a much greater pride than I think I would’ve had if we hadn’t been ‘blessed with autism.’ It’s interesting to learn what ‘typical’ looks like. The Younger will pretend (on his own without prompting!), voluntarily hug and kiss us and say ‘I love you,’ beg to go outside to run around and play, prompt us for attention or approval, make/draw things for us, and other nice little typical surprises that we didn’t even know existed yet. This played a huge part in early intervention (in my opinion) for The Elder. I am grateful for their birth order and the 2-year distance between their birthdates. ’They’ say that it is common for the emotional and social development of children with an autism spectrum disorder to lag at least 2 years (–They, circa 2000). In the last 2 years The Elder has picked up these ‘habits’ and ’scripts’ from his brother. Today at age 6, he has grown to enjoy many of these habits, like choosing to play outside over a computer game, and pretending. His creative side has really developed since being in the 1st grade. There are still scripts and if-then scenarios that are apparent to me that they are little performances, but to the general public, he is perfectly normal. And I’ll take a hug whenever I can get it! 
As for the other side of the coin, I often get thrown for a loop when The Younger has typical emotional responses yet inappropriate corresponding behavior responses. I knew early on that we had to surround him with positive peer models. That way he understood that, when he’s hungry, to say “I’m hungry,” and not to strip naked and pee on the floor. That is definitely not the kind of mimicking that gives me warm fuzzies. Being the little brother who adores his big brother, mimicking is expected and is how he expresses that love (great). He will, overnight, developed the same phobias. Because The Elder acts as if ‘buttons’ are manufactured by The Devil himself, then surely that’s a valid fear, right?
BUT the flipside of the other side of the coin is that The Elder learns unpleasantries from The Younger! The Elder skipped some of those developmental phases of toddlerhood and preschool (every parent’s wish, huh?), like developing a sweet tooth, lying and stealing (often to hide his sweet tooth), calling me ’stupid’ and yelling ‘I hate you’ when I’ve deprived him of something (to satisfy his sweet tooth I’m sure). But he has begun HIS phases at age 6 after observing The Younger. His ‘regressions’ are actually his mimicking of his brother (he never actually did those things in the first place to regress to them).
As an adult, I catch myself mimicking others too, especially those I frequently see or talk with. I guess its just a part of human nature in all stages of life. The hard part is not enduring the Terrible Twos through the Satanic Sixes (and beyond). The hard part is myself being a good role model for them to mimick.
Cathartic Moment
I cried this morning for the first time for my own personal hurt in a long time.
A little over 6 years ago we lost The Eldest. I think that may very well have been the first time I truly cried from pain that was out of my control. At least since I’ve been married to The Hub since 1996. It was a lingering depression where I worked myself 60-80 hours a week, came home, fell into my PJs, and got up the next day to do it all over again until I was less than 100 pounds.
*I think I cried the most when he responded to his special song. That I will never take for granted! I sang it to him on Sunday!
*actually I was in shock that I only pushed 4 times. It was very anti-climatic. I practically sneezed and he fell out.
I cried when The Elder had jaundice and it wasn’t going away even with the bili-lights. I know now that it wasn’t life threatening but when you have no sleep, no experience with children EVER, a mini home tanning bed, and a cold screaming baby with a mask strapped to his head* – I probably blew things out of proportion a bit. I think of how minuscule that issue was compared to many newborns, especially the moms of newborns I’ve met since blogging, who had much greater issues that I could even imagine. I totally took my baby’s health for granted.*
I cried when The Younger was born* I cried because I realized what a blessing he was. I’m finding more everyday why God put him in our lives. The Hub and I had been married for 7 years before The Elder was born. The Younger was a bit of a surprise and boy is he full of surprises! And has served so many purposes in our family development.
I cried when The Elder did his first 180 degrees and went from the “perfect” child to the “defiant biter” overnight it seemed. I cried to see his friends one by one, stop coming to play-dates, stop inviting him to birthday parties, and one by one be excused from preschools.
I cried when I missed goals when I felt like I did my best and still missed the goal (which honestly have been few where I gave it 110%).
I cried when ASD entered our lives. I felt clueless and helpless.
All of the above was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. All of that was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. Today, I cried because I made a decision that was completely under my own power. And it hurt like crazy. Not The Kiddos, Not The Hub, Not any part of my extended family, work, etc. It was a personal issue that dealt with MY confidence, MY self-esteem, and MY bravery.
* I did have a few athlete friends, but they were all guys. They’d kill me if I didn’t include them here! I have made choices all my life about which crowd I hung out with. I tended to have popular friends because I was a cheerleader, but actually hung out with the other 97% of the students at my school. The same story with college. People knew who I was because they stared at me at football games and basketball games because I was the one tossed in the air, waiting to see if I would land or if I would fall, but I was friends with the “nerds” and sat at the “F.L.A.G.” table.**There are lots of tests online. Even free ones if you are curious what your profile is. I give this assessment full credit for helping me love people more.I always wanted to hang out with the “popular” crowd but it never felt right, I didn’t belong, I didn’t feel genuine. Often they mistook that as being snobby and didn’t attempt to be my friend, judged me, and shunned me. I never really let it bother me. I’m not sure why, being that I’m the personality that craves social approval (according to my DiSC profile).*Maybe because I was socially accepted by the people I did hang out with.
Today, I cried because of a conscious decision to let go of “friends” that were in the popular crowd at this stage in my life. This was a hard decision. I had to have a mourning period. But I have many friends that accept me and know me, the real me, who don’t judge me when I’m goofy, who respect me when I talk business, who love me for traits I didn’t know I even had! They are my popular crowd because I love them too. I care about them whether I have social approval or not. I don’t need the other crowd.
I think with a child with specials needs, I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence.I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence. It helps me to be more confident, more forgiving, and more likely to attract the kind of friends that are true friends. I took a moment today to make a list of people that have impacted my life for the better, many who are bloggers that I have never met. Many I don’t even know their real names or what they look like. And a few are right here in my city. I thank God for them.
The Aftermath – False Evidence
Well maybe it wasn’t that dramatic…
But it certainly was not what I was expecting. Before I got out of the school parking lot he is having some sort of meltdown in the back and I’m ducking trying to miss sneakers and sweaty socks.
I was so taken by this behavior that I announced that we were no longer going to the grocery store but will wait at home until it was time to get The Younger. Which kinda stunk because it totally ruined MY plans. If he had had another pair of shoes, I’d have to pry them out of my ear. Well, maybe I would have kept them in my ears to drown out the yelling, screaming, and unbearable whining. Thank goodness for the 5 point harness, I might have been trying to dodge undies and urine.
Normal meltdown. Normal Obvious Source. Abnormal Actual Source.
Now the tantrum was a typical tantrum if I look at it from the outside. Especially since no pee was involved. And it did occur shortly after this conversation:
Me: We are going to the grocery store to get what is on our list (which I had inconveniently forgotten), and then we are going to pick up The Younger.
The Elder: And thheeennnnnn, we can go to Gary’s House.
Me: Well you know, I just got off the phone with his mom and we won’t be able to. His little brother is sick.
The Elder: But I want to go.
Me: I know you do, but I know you don’t want to be sick, do you?
The Elder: But I want to go to there. I want to play with Gary.
Me: And he wants to play with you, but it can’t be today.Cue: Flying Shoes and Spraying of Sock Sweat
Me: Ok, I guess we need to go straight home then.
Cue: The uncontrollable tantrum. Hadn’t seen one of these for a while…
The Elder: (ranting and raving) I want to go to there. I want to go to there. (rinse and repeat)
Now he has not been to see a friend outside of a birthday party or other social gathering for a long time. In other words, this is not the first time in months that he has been denied going to see a friend. As a matter of fact, he is denied that practically daily (lol). Plus, I never promised him that we would play with Gary today. I never really promise him anything that I don’t have 100% confidence that I can deliver. It was just something that me and his mom were trying to work out.
Me: This is not how you behave to get what you want.
The Elder: He had to stop to think for a bit, but still continued to whine. But I want to, I want to, I want to….
Me: You cannot behave this way in school and you can not behave this way with me*. *Why is it that school and teachers have more influence in the behavior department? sigh…)
The Elder: But I want a juicy snack.
DING – that’s the sound of a light bulb going off.
Apparently, when The Kiddos and The Hub go to the grocery store, they ALWAYS get juicy snacks on aisle 3.** What ever will he do if they decide to rearrange the store? Now that may or may not be true. But when said that, I realized that this tantrum was hunger-induced, even though he didn’t realize that.
I first learned of this false evidence when he used to tell me he was hungry, even though he might have had a full plate of spaghetti. (gluten free of course – only 99¢ rice noodles at the Asian Food Market and taste better than the overpriced alternatives in my opinion. Kinda like the noodles in chicken noodle soup. Hmmm. I’m hungry.) I would say something like, “You can’t be you just ate a lot of food.” And of course that would lead me puzzled as to why he was stripping naked and throwing his plate across the room. After a few trials (and a stroke of luck) I figured it out one day that he was thirsty. After that, I now ask him to think again whenever he tells me that he is hungry. That might look like:
Are you sure?
I don’t think you’re hungry.
Could it be something else? (he usually will continue his perserveration of “I’m getting hungry.”)
Finally, I will guess at what it might be to see what kind of reaction I get. I have to be careful here else we might switch him to destructo mode. One day I just flat out said, “You are not hungry. You are avoiding bedtime.” He was totally shocked that I nailed him. If I could have gotten video of him sulking and his posture as he dragged himself back down the hall, I would totally blackmail him at his wedding.
This is a perfect example what I have been trying to explain to others, that just because he says something doesn’t mean that it is necessarily true. So what we had here was the reverse case of that. He actually was hungry but he was using something else as his perserveration. This is a perfect example what I have been trying to explain to others (teachers, preschool directors, other caretakers and parents) that just because he says something doesn’t mean that it is necessarily true. And just because he does that, doesn’t mean that he is “lying” “manipulative” or “defiant.” It is because he does not know how to label his feelings and emotions accurately. He only appropriately presents a sad face when he is asked to because he was trained to do so. Much like the fast food places were trained to say “Do you want fries with that?” Who goes around just saying that when they pop out of the womb by instinct and know when it is appropriate to say it. I mean, do you say it even if the customer has already ordered fries? This is a bid DUH for us Typicalians, but that is exactly his perception. If he was untrained or only mimicking what he has experienced in the past, then it may not be accurate. Oh one day that person came in and ordered a Double Cheeseburger. Even though he ordered a Salad this time, I’m still going to give him his cheeseburger and not the salad.
To some it may be frustrating (ok maybe to everyone). But to someone who is willing to understand how his brain works may actually see it as fascinating. I know that this is me. Do I want him to do it? Not if it is inappropriate or will deprive him of the social life that he wants. But can I help re-train him in such a way that he feels loved and safe instead of rejected and incompetent? Of course I can and of course I will. I want to say that that is a DUH because I am his mother but unfortunately that is not the case for every child.** That is not to toot my own horn, but to mourn those who have been victims of the fatal rejection from their own parents and those who are still tormented by the ones who should be giving them the most support. But is that too much to expect from other adults whom we trust our children under their care? Perhaps it is. I finally posted about what happened at Summer Camp which spurred a sabbatical from my church. And then I updated the featured articles with this post about a local student with autism died.
In the end, I discovered that The Elder had not eaten his lunch other than a bite or two (“Juuuuussssttt a little bit on the top.” in his words). Well, I would be cranky too if I had gone 6 hours with only a snack. But I’m thankful for the whole Tumultuous Incident because it helped me discover that I need to devise a plan to make sure that he is eating at school.
It also helped me discover that I need to devise a plan to help curb his behavior issues in class. Yep. You guessed it. We forgot to knock on wood at the Parent/Teacher meeting after we discussed how wonderful he was doing…
Stay Tuned…
