about Commitment: What’s a resolution anyway?
…the number of pixels per square inch on my monitor? …finding a solution to a problem? …the pretty chords you hear following the dissonant chords that sometimes make my skin crawl (that song from Phantom of the Opera comes to mind at the moment)?
Every year at this time you hear this phrase floating about: New Year’s Resolution. In this context:
res-o-lu-tion [rez-uh-loo-shuhn] noun
a decision to do something or to behave in a certain manner
There’s a debate that exists on whether one should or should not declare a New Year’s Resolution. I heard (being a geek statistician and all) that roughly 97% of New Year’s Resolutions are not kept. (This doesn’t surprise me since I also know that about 3% of folks are natural-born leaders – the rest of us have to get trained.) So why bother if odds point to fail?
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.”
– Oscar Wilde
This is the #1 debate that goes on in my head every January 1ish. Upon reflection, here are some points that I argue (with myself).
- A resolution is goal-setting which is always a good thing. Throwing the dart when there’s not even a target will always be a miss. I feel like I’m moving forward when I
finallymake a decision about something. Ever heard “Indecision is the Devil’s playground” or “Sitting on the fence hurts”? When I’m stuck, I actually feel like I’m going backwards. - A decision isn’t a strategy. Too often I set a goal with absolutely no idea of how to do it. Without strategy, its hit or miss. If you’ve never been to the destination before, a map would come in handy. This is when I have to make sure I set a realistic start date and deadline. January 1st ought to be my first planning day instead of the first day I’m expected to do a 180.
Hmmm…maybe the END of the year should be the deadline. - The goal means nothing without the effort. Perhaps my resolutions were broken because I never actually believed that I would accomplish them. Therefore I never committed to them. ‘Nuff sed.
- Efforting is hard. I have a bad habit of keeping goals to myself and then
forgetting about themtrying to accomplish them. The more people I tell the more I get excited about my goals. Those endorphins kick in and I don’t seem nearly as fatigued. But the best help is asking someone to hold me accountable which is usually the missing ingredient for me and then I get burned out. - Staying motivated is key for commitment. If I’ve learned anything in the last 3 years, I’ve learned that motivation does NOT come from accomplishing a goal. Motivation comes via the REASON the goal was set in the first place, whether it be for joy, health, spirit, or [insert core value here].
So do I have a New Year’s Resolution? I do. And a New Year’s Strategy too! I resolve to make time to write, beginning with my blog. I unexpectedly announced it to myself in a reply to Lori @spinningyellow’s tweet about HER resolution. My goal is to post at least once a week, however seeing that once a month is rare, I’m going to start with at least once a month. (January…check! Guess I can move up to biweekly now!) I am motivated by feedback because I learn about people, I learn about myself (usually that I’m too hard on myself or too full of myself), and the more I can learn the more open-minded I become and the better I can teach my kids how to navigate through this world. After all, they are the REASON I do about 98% of the things I do. From ‘Gotta eat so I don’t snap and throw one out the window’ to ‘Gotta hug and kiss The Hub so they don’t think they are the center of my universe all the time.’ (Yeah…I haven’t figured out how sudoku or bubble shooter benefits them yet. Guess that falls under the 2%.)
Now I’m asking my readers and ex-readers who thought I fell off the edge of the planet, to help hold me accountable. How? Comment often? Subscribe to my blog? Tweet/FB this post? Send me chocolate? Your resolution to share however and whenever will be most appreciated by me and will likely have a greater impact than you probably think.
about Mimicking: Youngerese is starting to sound a little familiar
‘Mommy, if you want to put butter all over the sides of my bread, you may.’
‘You can’t do — AND —. You have to choose.’ Then in same oh-well tone as me, he adds, ‘Ok, then. It’s your choice.’
‘MOM! I washed my hands with soap!’ he announces when leaving the bathroom.
–The Younger (age 4)
Ever notice how your kids start picking up your mannerisms and catch phrases (and rules)?
Because The Elder didn’t converse at age 4, he never really mimicked me. The Younger was a different story. He was carrying on conversations with people (with a valid picture ID) by age 3, as well as the walls.
I am constantly reminded of the differences between the two because of the juxtaposition of their development within the confines of our family. It’s both fascinating and frustrating.
It’s fascinating to see their development and how I can respect each milestone (and each inchstone) they reach with a much greater pride than I think I would’ve had if we hadn’t been ‘blessed with autism.’ It’s interesting to learn what ‘typical’ looks like. The Younger will pretend (on his own without prompting!), voluntarily hug and kiss us and say ‘I love you,’ beg to go outside to run around and play, prompt us for attention or approval, make/draw things for us, and other nice little typical surprises that we didn’t even know existed yet. This played a huge part in early intervention (in my opinion) for The Elder. I am grateful for their birth order and the 2-year distance between their birthdates. ’They’ say that it is common for the emotional and social development of children with an autism spectrum disorder to lag at least 2 years (–They, circa 2000). In the last 2 years The Elder has picked up these ‘habits’ and ’scripts’ from his brother. Today at age 6, he has grown to enjoy many of these habits, like choosing to play outside over a computer game, and pretending. His creative side has really developed since being in the 1st grade. There are still scripts and if-then scenarios that are apparent to me that they are little performances, but to the general public, he is perfectly normal. And I’ll take a hug whenever I can get it! 
As for the other side of the coin, I often get thrown for a loop when The Younger has typical emotional responses yet inappropriate corresponding behavior responses. I knew early on that we had to surround him with positive peer models. That way he understood that, when he’s hungry, to say “I’m hungry,” and not to strip naked and pee on the floor. That is definitely not the kind of mimicking that gives me warm fuzzies. Being the little brother who adores his big brother, mimicking is expected and is how he expresses that love (great). He will, overnight, developed the same phobias. Because The Elder acts as if ‘buttons’ are manufactured by The Devil himself, then surely that’s a valid fear, right?
BUT the flipside of the other side of the coin is that The Elder learns unpleasantries from The Younger! The Elder skipped some of those developmental phases of toddlerhood and preschool (every parent’s wish, huh?), like developing a sweet tooth, lying and stealing (often to hide his sweet tooth), calling me ’stupid’ and yelling ‘I hate you’ when I’ve deprived him of something (to satisfy his sweet tooth I’m sure). But he has begun HIS phases at age 6 after observing The Younger. His ‘regressions’ are actually his mimicking of his brother (he never actually did those things in the first place to regress to them).
As an adult, I catch myself mimicking others too, especially those I frequently see or talk with. I guess its just a part of human nature in all stages of life. The hard part is not enduring the Terrible Twos through the Satanic Sixes (and beyond). The hard part is myself being a good role model for them to mimick.
Cathartic Moment
I cried this morning for the first time for my own personal hurt in a long time.
A little over 6 years ago we lost The Eldest. I think that may very well have been the first time I truly cried from pain that was out of my control. At least since I’ve been married to The Hub since 1996. It was a lingering depression where I worked myself 60-80 hours a week, came home, fell into my PJs, and got up the next day to do it all over again until I was less than 100 pounds.
*I think I cried the most when he responded to his special song. That I will never take for granted! I sang it to him on Sunday!
*actually I was in shock that I only pushed 4 times. It was very anti-climatic. I practically sneezed and he fell out.
I cried when The Elder had jaundice and it wasn’t going away even with the bili-lights. I know now that it wasn’t life threatening but when you have no sleep, no experience with children EVER, a mini home tanning bed, and a cold screaming baby with a mask strapped to his head* – I probably blew things out of proportion a bit. I think of how minuscule that issue was compared to many newborns, especially the moms of newborns I’ve met since blogging, who had much greater issues that I could even imagine. I totally took my baby’s health for granted.*
I cried when The Younger was born* I cried because I realized what a blessing he was. I’m finding more everyday why God put him in our lives. The Hub and I had been married for 7 years before The Elder was born. The Younger was a bit of a surprise and boy is he full of surprises! And has served so many purposes in our family development.
I cried when The Elder did his first 180 degrees and went from the “perfect” child to the “defiant biter” overnight it seemed. I cried to see his friends one by one, stop coming to play-dates, stop inviting him to birthday parties, and one by one be excused from preschools.
I cried when I missed goals when I felt like I did my best and still missed the goal (which honestly have been few where I gave it 110%).
I cried when ASD entered our lives. I felt clueless and helpless.
All of the above was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. All of that was confusing, frustrating, hurtful, and chaotic. But it was out of my control. Today, I cried because I made a decision that was completely under my own power. And it hurt like crazy. Not The Kiddos, Not The Hub, Not any part of my extended family, work, etc. It was a personal issue that dealt with MY confidence, MY self-esteem, and MY bravery.
* I did have a few athlete friends, but they were all guys. They’d kill me if I didn’t include them here! I have made choices all my life about which crowd I hung out with. I tended to have popular friends because I was a cheerleader, but actually hung out with the other 97% of the students at my school. The same story with college. People knew who I was because they stared at me at football games and basketball games because I was the one tossed in the air, waiting to see if I would land or if I would fall, but I was friends with the “nerds” and sat at the “F.L.A.G.” table.**There are lots of tests online. Even free ones if you are curious what your profile is. I give this assessment full credit for helping me love people more.I always wanted to hang out with the “popular” crowd but it never felt right, I didn’t belong, I didn’t feel genuine. Often they mistook that as being snobby and didn’t attempt to be my friend, judged me, and shunned me. I never really let it bother me. I’m not sure why, being that I’m the personality that craves social approval (according to my DiSC profile).*Maybe because I was socially accepted by the people I did hang out with.
Today, I cried because of a conscious decision to let go of “friends” that were in the popular crowd at this stage in my life. This was a hard decision. I had to have a mourning period. But I have many friends that accept me and know me, the real me, who don’t judge me when I’m goofy, who respect me when I talk business, who love me for traits I didn’t know I even had! They are my popular crowd because I love them too. I care about them whether I have social approval or not. I don’t need the other crowd.
I think with a child with specials needs, I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence.I have learned to filter which crowd is the crowd that God intended to influence me, and for me to influence. It helps me to be more confident, more forgiving, and more likely to attract the kind of friends that are true friends. I took a moment today to make a list of people that have impacted my life for the better, many who are bloggers that I have never met. Many I don’t even know their real names or what they look like. And a few are right here in my city. I thank God for them.
