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My journey on the spectrum of life … and the lessons I learn along the way …
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about Healing: When the Momma’s happy, everyone is happy

  • June 2, 2011 6:38 pm

It’s been over a year since my last post. I can choose to feel guilty or celebrate the closing of an era.

I’ve been spending the last year physically and mentally healing. I stripped my slate down to literally the bare necessities. I labeled it “The Year of Non-Commitment” and I followed through with it. It sounds boring but it has been one of the busiest and hardest and best years of my life. My plate stayed full despite my pruning. Migraines and backaches controlled my days. Relationships were strained. And “stuff” kept oozing from the tiniest of crevices. I can’t even imagine how insane I would been had I not already eliminated my duties towards my career, the ASDa board, volunteering, and of course, my blog.

My journey of healing included: weaning myself off prescriptions and over-the-counter meds, detoxing my body and overhauling my diet, participating in a small group study, putting a finishline on a 9-year grief cycle, and investing my new found energy into a self-study and an anger management course, which has in turn freed up a lot of energy for me to do other stuff…fun stuff…like a vacation…without kids…or husbands.

So far in my journey,  I’ve been “small group hopping” for 1.5 years. The length of time it has taken me to heal is probably indicative of my inconsistency of attending my groups. But the time I have spent in my groups has been invaluable. First, in teaching me a new appreciation of independently reading the Bible, I’ve been able to reconcile a lot of concepts and doubts and confusion I held in my mind regarding my personal spirituality. Second, in being among friendly people, the social butterfly in me was finally able to emerge from her cocoon. Third, perspective, perspective, perspective. Ever hear the one about If we all put our issues in a big pile and then got to choose an issue from that pile, we all would pick up our own issues? My issues aren’t necessarily better or worse than the next person’s but they are mine – all mine. And while I might covet another parent’s ability to sign their child up for a team sport, I certainly do not covet the responsibilities both time-wise and financially they incur because of that freedom. And fourth, in allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, I not only receive the prayerful support I desperately need from friends, but also can provide that same prayerful support to them as well.

24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV)

Now then… I thought I had a pretty good grasp on the scope of my mourning. But I had grossly overlooked the most obvious situation that was overdue for bereavement. Through a family tragedy, I was able to discover I was stuck in the very early denial stage of grieving my miscarriage – The Eldest, I might call him. No one knew about the pregnancy. No one. Not even that we were even trying to start a family finally after 7 years of marital bliss. After the loss, no one still was aware of the existence. The Hub and I mourned in silence with a “Why bother?” attitude. We rescued The Skipper Dog to cheer us up (and boy did he!). Six months later I was pregnant with The Elder.  In my head, I thought that I had completed that grief cycle, accepting that God’s timing is impeccable and resolving that if the pregnancy had gone to term, The Elder would not have been born when he was, and his birthday has played a MAJOR role in many of the divine blessings we have received in early intervention.  But in actuality what I had done was deny the little being my love.  Alongside a dear loved one, I was able to feel her pain so strongly because I realized it was my pain, too. Her graceful and raw way she openly grieved was a window into my subconscious.  I’m so proud of her and grateful at how well she is handling her experience. She helped me give The Eldest an identity, ask for forgiveness, and to say good-bye. I can’t thank her enough.

Above all, I’m most proud of my physical healing. I think without it, my mental (nor spiritual) healing could have been resurrected (no pun intended). I contemplate everything I put in my mouth (except for the occasional foot). I’ve successfully weaned myself off all medications. I’ve been independent for 2.5 months! Not even an allergy pill! I use food for medicine or fast for a day when I need it, but mostly try to just stay healthy so I don’t need medicine to begin with. My dietary changes have not only improved my health, but also my budget. First because I conducted a short-term fast (7 days). Water is butt cheap. When I broke the fast, my body decided what I could or could not eat. (Sadly, I still must live a gluten-free lifestyle, which does offset budgetary gains of the new diet.) I have eliminated red meat and pork and only eat fowl in moderation (kids’ leftovers usually). Second, I eat mostly fruits and vegetables. Super cheap – even organic is cheap in comparison to my former diet. I don’t do well with processed corn, like in tortilla chips, but have no trouble with popcorn or kernel corn. There’s something else I can’t handle but I haven’t pinpointed what it is.  (I keep eating dairy (my indulgence) and I’m in denial that it affects me negatively in any way shape or form. How could something so yummy be harmful?) Third, I discovered I have an affinity for gardening. Unfortunately I’m a terrible gardener. My green thumb is the novice shade of green. I’m sure it has a lot to do with my attention span and tactile defensiveness rather than ability. But to compromise between love and talent, I’ve started sprouting. I’m pretty darn good at it. And I can eat alfalfa all the live long day. I also grow my own wheatgrass – chock full of antioxidants, my medicine. Much cheaper than the 90-day prescription deals. And fourth, I realized that I really do like to cook. Cooking is so much less expensive than eating out or pre-packaged foods. I can guarantee it will be gluten-free, and with the proper systems now in place, it hasn’t taken up all my time like I imagined it would. After all of these years of letting The Hub hang his flag in the kitchen, I claimed my ground and surprisingly have pleased all members of the family (even visiting relatives). I totally recognize that my attention span would not be in favor for a catering job, but something about cooking for my family makes me feel whole.

Now that the fog has lifted, I’m so much happier and so is my family (I hope so at least).  I lost a ghastly amount of weight during the 7-day fast, but have just about recovered completely to my original weight MINUS all the swelling and most of the cysts/fibroids that were forming in my body. That means less headaches, less trips to the chiropractor, better circulation, clearer thinking and more energy. Even when I looked my campiest, I was feeling dramatically better than I had in at least 3 years.

[lightbulb moment:] THIS is why I blog. In the process of summarizing the stuff in my head to avoid rambling on and on and boring the reader to death, a theme just emerges from the pages. (I wish I could brag of writer’s foresight and mad executive function skillz, but alas, I cannot.)  When I type on the fly about just the basic facts (plus a commentary or two as I always have parallel thoughts going on. Squirrel!), I’m able to see myself so much better.  Awareness is enlightening and frightening at the same time. So this is the lesson I’ve been taught today via this post: It’s been said that if you’re not growing, you’re dying. I’d like to add a twist to that - if you’re not loving, you’re dying.  Personal growth is the result of learning to love where I was not willing to love before.

“Are you willing to spend time studying the issues, making yourself aware, and then conveying that information to family and friends? … If some among you fear taking a stand because you are afraid of reprisals from customers, clients, or even government, recognize that you are just feeding the crocodile hoping he’ll eat you last. (October 27, 1964)”

~ Ronald Reagan

I’ve still got a long row to hoe before I can harvest the title “Healed,” but it is so nice to take a big crop of perspective and be able to enjoy the journey – living and loving life today, weeds and all.

I love my life

  • November 27, 2008 9:47 am

Like my twitter, facebook status says…I’m thankful for all the blessings in my life even if they don’t appear to be blessing at the start. I’m grateful for the decisions I have made because they have brought me to where I am today and I love my life.

Have I made bad decisions? Of course! I’m human. There are pros and cons to free will — free consequences. lol.

Success Sunday (PostID 1125)

  • September 21, 2008 12:01 am

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“That isn’t to say we should stop collecting data, framing it in hypothesis, and testing those hypotheses. The scientific method is still an awesome machine…if we understand its limits.”
–Pquincy

OK, this is one of those “out of the box” quotes. It is from a blog…from a commenter…not my blog…but a blogger from Silicon Valley (so it is sorta related to this blog…bad joke, sorry, Dr. Pang, but hey, I’m sending you link love). He has a very witty blog tagline, and me likey witty.

So why this quote? Well it is two-fold. I understand that some bloggers are having difficulties commenting on my posts and I have a hypothesis of why that is. So I want to collect data to test that to verify if I can accept or reject that hypothesis. So if you are having difficulties commenting, please send me a note with your website address. If you CAN comment, please leave a comment to prove inform me that you can. My statistics degree and inner-nerd are becoming useful.

Secondly, if you get a chance to read Dr. Pang’s post and the subsequent comments (one of which is mine), the topic is about “imperfect knowledge” and Pquincy and I are basically speaking about the same thing, which I call faith.

That is what success is all about! Faith!

Yes there is drive, there is effort, there is knowledge, there is common sense, there are resources, communication, opportunity, status, position…there are a lot of things that can play a role in the success (or failure) of reaching a goal, but nothing allows us to reach as high as our potential without faith. Faith allows us to set a goal where the evidence to reach that goal is not present.Faith allows us to set a goal where the evidence to reach that goal is not present. I always teach the ladies I have the privilege to influence (oh yeah and my kids too) that if God puts a dream in your heart, then he also equips you to reach it. I think many people quit just before they break ground** I think of the story about the mustard seed. You know the biggest struggle for any seed is to break ground (especially if it was buried by a squirrel!). That is what determines if it grows or if it dies, succeeds or fails. Think about those that just fall on the ground for whatever reason. They have to really root themselves! “Bloom where you are planted” is one of the mantras I’ve been taught. and never see the reward of their efforts and struggles. That makes me so sad. They didn’t pass the test. The schools don’t give you a diploma if you don’t pass the tests. Why should we get it if we quit before Commencement? After all commencement does mean ‘beginning.’ So many people quit before they’ve even gotten started.

I’m not preaching here because I know that I’ve been guilty of it myself in so many different arenas. Now that I’ve been able to see successes in my life that I have worked for (as opposed to being handed and place on my lap for me), I realize the power God has given me. How hurt he must be that I went without faith for so long and living beneath my potential.

So if I may interpret this quote out of context of Pquincy’s comment: It is good to analyze situations – what you did to “win” and what you could do better or not at all. It will help you to gain additional knowledge and could possibly improve the outcome. However, over-analyzing can be a waste of time (believe me, I also have a C-personality). Some things are just better left to Him. Let go, and Let God.

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